Detective Banks surveyed the boardwalk. Three people were reported missing, last seen near the boardwalk. He recalled one of their names. Charmaine! She was described as having red hair and blue eyes, apparently wearing a yellow dress. Banks cautiously stepped on the boardwalk. It seemed strong enough. He walked ahead with confidence. Just as he was about to jump into the soft sand, the boardwalk cracked. Banks found himself falling deep down into what looked like a cave. The last thing he saw before hitting a rock was a skeleton with a yellow skirt and red hair covering its skull.
Written for friday fictioneers. Photo by Renee Homan Heath
Oh wow!!!
Thank you, Boomie:)
As our older daughter said once when she was little, “I never had a problem like that before.” That would be quite a shock.
well, I thought of the ending as I was drafting it..Thank you so much
Aha!
Glad you appreciate it:) Thanks!
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
well, Thanks:)
Very nice 🙂
Thank you, Rexlin
Damn! That’s such a tragic end.. Only if he was a tad careful on the Boardwalk!
yes, it just gives way at the end..when people think they are safe..It is supposed to be a deceptive boardwalk:)) Thank you so much for commenting
I liked this, and it’s a good idea too. Well done. I stumbled over ‘found missing’
Thank you, Sandra. Hope it is apt for the picture
Sounds like a Stephen King idea: a boardwalk that eats people. 🙂
I’ve never read Stephen King’s stuff. My thriller novels are limited to Agatha Christie. Yes, the boardwalk cracks and after the person falls down, it comes back to normal..acting all innocent..Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It has been a long time since you visited my posts. Thank You!
I haven’t read a lot of Stephen King, but he often has the kind of story where something is alive or possessed. Finding the creepy in ordinary things, I guess.
Yeah, sorry about the long time. The last couple weeks I’ve wanted to get to more of the Friday Fictioneers but didn’t have the time. I’m going to try to be better about it in the future since the fun of the group is reading what everyone else wrote and commenting on each other’s work.
Hey, that’s okay:) Take your own time..just drop in this blog when you have time:) Thank You!
A new line for your creativity! Certainly doe have that Stephen King touch to it – a good thing..
Thank you so much, Pirate..Thanks a lot for the constant encouragement
i like the story and its events, but a few questions:
1. Three people were found missing, last seen near the boardwalk.
it seems odd to be “found missing.” if you’re missing, you’re not found. what about “reported missing”?
2. not sure how long it takes to decompose to a skeleton. but if she was the latest reported missing, she might not yet be skeletal.
regardless of my picky approach, it’s well done.
You are right about ‘reported missing’. Thank you for pointing that out. have revised it:)) As far as the second point is concerned, I meant it to be a skeleton..She is the ‘latest’, but the latest could be one or two years..Three people are already missing and the police have done nothing about it because it is a place the detectives are scared to approach..and now, they are bowing to public pressure..and only one detective is bold (or even reckless) enough to attend to the case. well..does that seem more logical now..
Very interesting premise. I like how dark this piece of writing is! It’s right up my alley. I also agree with Rich that given the time frame a detective normally would be looking into disappearances like these, the body would likely not be skeletal just yet. You might want to substitute corpse or something.
I thought about the skeletal part of it when I was drafting it too:) I have explained my idea behind it to Rich above..Let me know if it makes sense..Thank you so much reading and taking the time to comment.
Ah, that’s a company where you don’t want to have.. Yikes.
well..me too..Thank you so much for commenting..
I like this. I like the use of the detective as a device, as he really doesn’t do much but move the plot forward. That’s hard to do in 100 words, friend, and you have exercised this to near perfection.
I have a couple suggestions for your lexicon and future crafts. They’re are but the opinions of one, so take them as you will!
1) ” Three people were found missing, last seen near the boardwalk.”
This line is crucial. It is the introduction to what develops into the premise. Try being very active, and clear as a bell. Parsing it as “Search parties identified three bodies, each last seen by the boardwalk.” The juxtaposition and modification of “found” and “missing” clouds the meaning and context for the premise.
2) A corpse stripped of flesh in so short a time? You could make it work. You just need to lampshade it with the detective. Or a bystander. “There’s *no* way she could have decomposed in so short a time!” Something to that effect.
Good writing. Thanks for the read.
Hi, Thank you so much for your reading and your kind suggestions. Agree with you on the first one..try to word them more clearly in the future:) As far as the second point is concerned, I meant this to be ‘supernatural’. Why should the strong boardwalk give way towards the end? Besides, the police have totally ignored this spooky place…Charmaine was the last missing person..Maybe she had been missing for a couple of years..Combining the supernatural thought with the detectives’ lathargy, do you think this makes sense?
It makes sense now, but consider that there is no backstory here in the drabble (flash fiction, short short story, etc.) Personally, I wasn’t able to deduce the story’s mechanics. My willing suspension of disbelief became forced, and that’s why I pointed that out.
Again, just my take. With your input, I was able to put the pieces together.
Thanks a lot for responding back to me with a cool head. Writer to writer discussion can be very revealing 😉
well, you are so right about the wording part and thank you so much for that. Though I did consider the logical aspect while writing and meant it to be a supernatural with spooky effect..Thank you so much asking and pointing out the facts:))
That was such a gross image at the end! I forgot that hair stays on, lives on. But just the yellow, & red.
I admire people who say so much in so few words. Great stuff 🙂
Yes, it is meant to be unearthly and supernatural. Thank you so much for reading and commenting:)
Oh, I love a good mystery story! the last thing he saw… yes!
Hope it made a fairly good read…Thank you very much:)
It did… How about more?
sure:) I’ve not yet thought out the progress of this one:) but thanks for asking:))
It’s good.
Watch ot for the last stpe it is a long way down. I was not expecting this, so that makes it such a great surprise. Well done sliding that twist at the end.
Yes, it is the dangerous last step. Glad you enjoyed. Thank you very much
I had a hard time with understanding how the skeleton decomposed so quickly as well. But overall A good job.
Tom
Well, the assumption was that the detectives delayed a lot in carrying out the investigation. It could have decomposed within that time. Besides, it was meant to be ‘supernatural’..probably there was something inside the cave to decompose it quickly..have been asked this question:))but let me know if the answer appears fairly logical to you..
I would say in a hundred word limit we could easily make up a thousand reasons why it is so… Logical? Why not it works for me if that is knowledge learned by the reader at some point. I think if you change “latest” to “last” it doesn’t give the feeling of happening recently…just an idea.
Tom
sure, it seems to be a good idea:) Thanks so much..
It seems I may have lead you down the wrong path…One too many “Last” in there….here is what I came up with to fix it…Detective Banks surveyed the boardwalk. Three people were reported missing, last seen near the boardwalk. Charmaine, when she was reported missing was described as having red hair and blue eyes and wearing a yellow dress. Banks cautiously stepped on the boardwalk. It seemed strong enough. He walked ahead with confidence. Just as he was about to jump into the soft sand, the boardwalk cracked. Banks found himself falling deep down into what looked like a cave. The last thing he saw before hitting a rock was a skeleton with a yellow skirt and red hair covering its skull.
This leaves you with two extra words to have fun with and you are bot using last so often…of course this is just an idea and you could tweak it anyway you want. Tom
Led not lead…
that’s okay:)
yes, now that I read it again, there was a repetition of ‘last’.. Thank you for pointing:)
My take on this story was that the ‘last reported missing’ had found a way of reachng out from her grave to communicate its whereabouts to the detective. Have you read Alice Sebold’s ‘Lovely Bones’? Fabulous writing and similar. Ann
wow, your interpretation sounds imaginative. have not read that..Is it available online? Thank you so much for reading and the kind comment
Hi NL,
Danger in paradise. Good premise. It all looks so alluring and light, so taking it to the dark side was an unexpected direction. Ron
Thank you so very much..and thanks a lot for reading
A mystery with a beginning middle and end and using so few words is an enormous challenge, but you did it! My congratulations.
Glad you enjoyed:) Thank you, Rosie..
Good one.
Thanks a lot..and thanks for visiting once again..
Very suspenseful. I really love a good mystery.
Thank you very much
Very nicely done. I love mysteries, but I think this is the first one I’ve read from this prompt.
oh..would you like to read the others too..I have just been taking part from the last two weeks..Thank you so much for the appreciation
Very good, Padmini… Loved this..! 🙂
Hi, Carolyn, Thank you so much:) Glad to see you. How was this weekend?
It is now 1pm Monday, which in Australia is a public holiday for Australia Day..!
The weekend was full of dancing, Padmini… Practice and social dances… We are sooooo busy now, and will be for a few months.. We are receiving new routines for our Standard dances (Waltz, Slow Foxtrot, Tango and Quickstep) so it’s lots of work for us over the coming months…! Thank goodness we love it…!
Hope you too are well….! 🙂
I am fine. Thank you. You’ll be very busy:)) but you like it..so enjoy:))
great story. a shocking twist! at least he.. ah.. solved the mystery 🙂
lol. yes..Thank you, kz:)
what a masterpiece padmini! just loved it!
so glad you liked it, Sharmishtha..Thank you very much
Okay so I guess I’m going to comment on this one two, Wow, I love it, not a poem but excellent none-the-less! 🙂 xx
Thank you, Penny:) The photo is pleasant and beautiful & is suitable for a poetry too though:) Glad you enjoyed reading this:)
Indeed, very well done!
Thank you:)
oh, poor detective! love your story!! great job. ❤
He should have been more careful, right? 🙂 Thank you so much, Sunshine
…yep, more careful…but then again, things happen in life to make us or break us. haha…have a great day. 🙂
This is a good piece of flash fiction, tightly written, with a twist at the end. Thanks for visiting and liking my blog as well.
Thank you very much for visiting as well, Mary..enjoy the photos in your blog..and above all the write-up..Thanks!